What in god's name has happened to Barbie?
In an ever-changing world Barbie was a cultural icon. Without Barbie there would be no Kylie Minogue, Cheryl Cole or that woman in Silent Witness who weighs less than our cat.
There was a time you had to pay to see a tattooed lady. Now, thanks to Barbie, they're everywhere.
Over the years Barbie has appeared on our TV screens more than Ant and Dec and is rumoured to be taller than both. Unlike Victoria Beckham Barbie can smile but in so many other ways (like dancing and singing) they are identical. Clearly Victoria and Barbie are from the same mould. The only difference being one is plastic... and the other is made by Mattel.
Now, in a shocking new makeover, Barbie is to reappear not as a wafer thin clotheshorse, but with curvy hips and thighs to reflect a 'broader view of beauty.'
Does Mattell have any idea what they are doing here? Cheshire women, who have modelled their lives on this skeletal super doll, are bereft with grief. One sobbing lady I spoke to said, "Ken will never accept it."
Counselling services have been set-up in both Wilmslow and Alderley to deal with the psychological fall-out from this appalling betrayal.
"We have lost our individualism," came the chant from hundreds of stick-thin Barbie lookalikes marching through town this morning stopping only for a rocket leaf and glass of water at their favourite rendezvous.
Most WAGS were 'unavailable for comment' so great was their distress at losing their spiritual leader.
"They are giving Barbie different skin tones," said one lady. "What am I supposed do with all my Fake Bake?"
Gym's around Cheshire are already experiencing a drop in attendance while pie shops insist business has 'never been better.'
Meanwhile Ken is looking forward to his new curvy partner. "I'm tired of seeing Barbie running around in the shower trying to get wet," said Ken when we met at Gusto's.
"Some decent pasta and a tiramisu will do Barbie the world of good," he told me. "When she swallows peas I can actually watch them going down, it's pitiful."
So, ladies, now you know: modern Barbie will be a lot more Kirstie Allsopp and a lot less Orla Guerin so skip the rocket and have a pizza.
I'm sure Ken will approve.
The views and opinions expressed in this column are those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of wilmslow.co.uk.
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